Ten Days

So without really realizing it, I’ve been perfectly OP for 10 days now (working on 11 today). That’s a pretty nice achievement. The challenge will be making it to 20 – I know my patterns, and I know that after 2 good weeks I tend to let myself go nuts for one day, which spirals into two and three and four. I am confident I can make it through this week without issue, it’s this coming weekend that I have to worry a little about. Especially since I don’t have anything planned activity-wise and am feeling a little stir-crazy in my apartment lately. I can do it, I’m stronger than my stupid emotional eating impulse. But generally I’m feeling good. Hopefully it lasts.

This weekend I’ll be finishing up my painting for the bedroom… going to a board game meetup… Going for a run… Hopefully seeing this guy… ;) We’ll see how it shapes up. I just wish I had something concrete to look forward to, like a night out with people. Such is the problem with having all of your friends hundreds of miles away…

Sweet and Sour Shrimp

I’ll continue on with the recipes tonight… I am eating this right now, it is wonderful!

Ingredients:

• 8oz can pineapple chunks in juice
• 1 tsp cornstarch
• 3 tbsp chili sauce
• 1/2 tsp powdered garlic
• 2 tsp sesame oil
• medium onion, sliced
• green bell pepper, large dice/chunks
• 3/4 lb medium shrimp, raw (not frozen)

Drain pineapple into a bowl (reserving juice). Set pineapple aside. To juice, add cornstarch, chili sauce, and garlic (I opted to add fresh garlic into the pan with onion and pepper). In a pan, heat oil, add bell pepper and onion. Stir-fry for 3 minutes or until starting to cook. Add shrimp, cook until no longer pink. Add pineapple and sauce, cook until sauce is thick and bubbly. Serve over hot rice of choice.

This recipe makes 4 servings at 4 points each. With 1/2 c rice it makes 6 points’ worth of food. Tastes far better than any restaurant sweet and sour shrimp I’ve ever had, as it’s not cloyingly sticky and sweet – it’s perfect! Will make again and again!

Moroccan Chicken and Lentils

Thought I’d share a recipe while it’s on my mind. I love this meal – a handful of ingredients, easy prep in a slow cooker, and leftovers taste fantastic. It makes 6 servings at 6 points each.

Moroccan Chicken and Lentils

• 8oz baby carrots
• 1 1/2 c uncooked lentils, rinsed
• 1 1/2 lb frozen chicken (you choose the cut, I use whatever boneless/skinless item I can get on sale, usually tenders)
• 2 tbsp minced garlic
• 3/4 tsp salt
• 3/4 tsp ground turmeric
• 1/2 tsp ground red pepper
• 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
• 3.5 c fat free, low-sodium chicken broth

Place in slow cooker in order listed. Cover and cook on high 5 hours, or high 1 hour and low 7 hours (whatever fits your schedule). It is delicious. :)

Measuring Up

I’m feeling somewhat better today. I am generally doing okay, but occasionally get stuck in these endless loops. I am starting to allow myself to feel angry over what’s happened recently, instead of feeling passive and noncommittal about it. The anger is good. Strong emotions are not the enemy.

Had a productive evening yesterday – cleaned out half the mess in the truck so I’d have room to put groceries. Went grocery shopping (enjoyed the lower grocery bill due to having 1 less mouth to feed). Bought healthy food. The only thing I bought that may be looked upon as “unhealthy” is my obligatory bar of 85% dark chocolate, but one of those things lasts me weeks. Besides, it’s got antioxidants and will go great with that bottle of red wine I have sitting around.

My renewed commitment to tracking, weighing, and measuring is going well. It’s actually kind of empowering to stand there in front of the food scale and see exactly how much of everything you’re about to consume. 40g of oatmeal, 6g of non-dairy creamer, 8g dried cranberries, 15g chopped walnuts. Also, this is way easier than dirtying up a bunch of measuring cups and spoons in the morning. I just put the bowl on the scale, zero it out, and add food. I also did this with peanut butter today – usually I don’t measure peanut butter because it’s impossible to get back out of the measuring spoon, so this morning I put a wasa cracker on the scale, zeroed it, and measured out 16g of peanut butter (1 tbsp). Awesome.

On the other hand, now that I think about it, thinking in terms of grams makes me feel like I’m not eating a whole lot, because grams are such small increments of measure. Oh well. That’s where the counting points comes in…

All’s Quiet

I don’t have a lot to say. I mean, what can I say that is in any way different from everything that has come before? I’m still here.

I’ve been asking a lot of questions of myself. Sometimes I think I’ve been asking too many questions. I keep a paper journal at home, and page after page is filled with why? how? what? why? why? I’m mad at myself for not having answers. When I was a kid, my mom would refer to me in holiday update letters distributed to family as the “happy go lucky” kid. Year after year, that’s what I remember being described as. Just floating around like a leaf in the breeze, letting external forces dictate my course, barely influencing my own fate with small variances in my surface. And I feel that’s been pretty accurate. Another, more grown-up way of calling it is blind optimism and too-easy acceptance. I’ve lived my life up to now just going along with the course of events, figuring out my place but never seeking to change what was happening. And now I am fighting this tendency, and I’m losing something.

I chose change. I chose to drastically alter the course of my life. I took two steps forward instead of standing still. But what I left behind is still clinging to me, hanging on to my ankles, weighing me down and making it hard to continue to progress. My life has largely been dictated by what came before – if I could make what comes after look like what came before, that’s the path I’d choose. I don’t actually know how to do what I’m doing. Where’s my guidebook? Please tell me there is a map somewhere I can purchase. I ask questions of myself and have no answers, because I’ve never done this before.

I’m writing this with one thing in particular in mind, yet I re-read it and see it as it applies to so much of my life nowadays. How did I end up being an agent of change in my own life? This never used to happen. Needless to say I’m having a little trouble coping.

Still gaining! Rrrrgh.

I have nothing to say other than that I am STILL on my way up. I thought I had reversed that trend earlier this week, but lo and behold, I check today and I have in fact been moving in the wrong dinrection again. From Aug-Oct I was frustrated because I was maintaining, not losing and not gaining – now what I wouldn’t give to just be maintaining my old 184 lbs again, not staring the 190’s in the face once again! This is ALWAYS where I fail. Every single time I’ve tried to lose weight successfully I have quit around 185 and gained everything back. I don’t want to gain everything back! I like how my clothes fit, I got rid of my really big stuff, I have a couple things that are just a bit too small that I want to get into!!

Of course, I know why I’m gaining – I eat well for four days and pig out for three. I haven’t exercised since the day after Thanksgiving due to my foot/knee debacle. I haven’t been cooking at home as much as I have been eating out and not making mindful choices. So why is it so hard for me to get back on track, if I know why this is happening to me?

I remember one WW meeting from earlier in the year in which we explored the concept of limiting thoughts. When you say that you “always” or “never” do something, what room do you give yourself to change? I say I “always” quit right about now. That I can “never” have enough willpower to avoid crap food. Where does that leave me? I’ve just told myself, basically, that I can’t succeed because I never have, so I never will. I need to start applying what I learn at meetings – my negative, limiting thoughts aren’t getting me anywhere. So…

Instead of: “I have never successfully continued to lose weight past 185.”

I will try: “In the past I may not have succeeded, but this time I know I can, and I will. No matter how long it takes, I will succeed.”

Sounds cheesy, and not as succinct as my first thought, but I really ought to work on rooting out my negative self-talk if I’m going to make any progress. I will succeed. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. I’ve got to do something, because this upward trend is getting scary….

Stuck

Two weeks before my birthday (which was Aug 30), I sat at about 188-189. I remember thinking, “boy, if I work really hard, I can lose the next 3lbs and hit the 30lb lost mark on my birthday!” I was excited by the idea. Alas, it was not to be – TOM took away that ability that week, then I got slack in counting points, and ended up wandering off the path for a while. I didn’t end up officially making 30lbs lost until October, after my first week on Core (as documented below). The week in which I made 30lbs was the only week I was able to claim that. I’m now officially 0.8 above the 30lbs mark (which is actually nearly 3lbs from my lowest documented weight), and unofficially another 2lbs above that – I have gained since I last went to a meeting to be ‘officially’ weighed.

I am going in the wrong direction!

This whole time, almost a full year since I’ve been actively engaged in weight loss, I have been losing little bits of weight here and there and maintaining in between. I have generally been okay with the slow rate of loss because really, why should I hurry? I’ve been carrying around the weight for a long time, I can’t expect it to change quickly. But this past month has been the first time I have actually felt my grip on the process slipping, and my weight has been going up. This is not okay! But the million dollar question is, how do you get back to it, how do you re-commit, how do you make sure you don’t end up back where you started?

I’m starting by actively planning again. Not just halfassed-ly thinking about something on-plan for dinner (and not actually getting around to making it). Not just assuming I am eating the right amount of food without actually tracking/counting/measuring.

I’m starting by making sure I get in at least 1L of water – moving up towards 2 as I get comfortable with it again.

I’m starting by tracking EVERY LITTLE THING. The milk in my coffee that usually doesn’t get counted? You better believe I am writing it down. A sugar-free popcicle in the evening? Sure it’s only 20 calories and barely makes a difference at the end of the day, but I am writing it down! It’s these little omissions that turn into larger omissions and suddenly I am not owning up to ANYTHING I eat… it’s a dangerous path to go down!

And I’m starting by going to my meeting on Saturday no matter what I expect to see on the scale. I’ve written a couple posts about this – I end up skipping meetings on weeks I feel I’ve gained, which doesn’t help me get back on track. I need to own up to whatever’s going on with my body. Nobody there is going to judge me. I don’t have to tell people the results of my WI. I just need to go in there and accept it and move forward.

Sugar addiction.

Last night while I was running, I was thinking about my relationship with food and how I should probably go home and journal about it, because maybe if I have some running account of my thoughts, one day I’ll go back and reread and something will strike me as different, and I can feel I’m making progress. (So that was a run-on sentence, apologies.) Well, it didn’t happen. Such a bad journaler, I am.

I successfully calmed down one huge impulse to go buy junk at lunch today, and here I am at 3:30 facing the same cravings. I am |_| <– this close to putting on my coat and walking next door. They have a fantastic banana pudding, it makes me feel like I am a little kid. Or, if I don’t want that, they also have bulk candy bins and just about any regular check-out aisle junk food you could desire. It’s got to stop!

1 – I have problems with sugar. I am mildly hypoglycemic, which means when I have sugar I basically fall asleep. My blood sugar spikes, because my insulin response is delayed, and when my pancreas realizes it ought to be doing something, it over-reacts and produces too much insulin. That results in a dramatic drop in blood sugar… and so I am left groggy, irritable, and at times, incoherent.

2- I am just feeding the addiction. I’ll never get over it unless I stop, now. I can’t just have one little thing today and expect to wean myself off. That one little thing now may mean more little things this evening… Or it may mean a big thing tomorrow. No matter what, it won’t make it easier to start over tomorrow. I know it is possible to get over the feelings of necessity as I’ve been there before. I have the most success with weight loss when I don’t feel dependent upon sugar. It’s when I fuel the fire while telling myself I am on-plan that I end up falling off so quickly. (This is part of the reason for not just doing straight counting points – I can rationalize too much junk that way. I once spent a month saving 5 points each day so I could have a bag of M&Ms.)

3 – The sugar doesn’t do anything good for me. It only sets me back. I deserve to move forward. I deserve to make progress in this area of my life. I know I can do it. I just have to stick with it. I see so many people on 3FC complaining of the back-and-forth of sticking to plan, then falling off plan. And I just want to say to them, hey! it’s entirely within your control! the next choice you make, make it a good one! But then I realize I’d be a hypocrite, as apparently I can’t even follow my own advice.

The past couple weeks have been pretty bleak. I have even considered stopping my WW membership… I haven’t been to a meeting in two weeks. I don’t want to own up to the gain I am facing. Where is that going to lead me? How will that help, when I get so much positive energy out of going to the meetings? What kind of choice would that be, good or bad? I have been to McDonald’s more times in the last two weeks than I had been in the past two years (seriously). There came a point where I was alone, in my car, went through the drive-thru at one place and really considered going through a second before going home. I don’t know why. Why, why, why do I want to do that to myself? What is behind those feelings? I wasn’t stressed, or anxious, or tired, or angry, or anything. Life was fine, on an even keel. Yet I went home with enough calories to last me 3 days in a paper bag and ate.

This is such a cycle for me. It’s such a terrible monster. Today is the day I say enough. I can move on with my life. This doesn’t have to be the center of my universe. I choose to move forward, and put this behind me. It’ll be hard, and I’ll hate every second of it, but I am going to do it.

It’s always darkest before the dawn.

Core – Day 4

Day 4 on Core and I have to say, I am really, really enjoying it.

At first I thought it was going to be rather restrictive, since it’s one of those plans that gives you a list of foods you are allowed to eat (meaning there are some that you aren’t, unless you want to spend your weekly points allowance on them). The only other time I had tried a plan that gave you a list to eat from was when I tried South Beach for a week… which ultimately failed miserably because #1 I am mildly hypoglycemic and I had no energy to move without a decent number of carbs in my day and #2 I wanted to eat everything that someone told me I “couldn’t.”

However, after taking the plunge and getting some practical experience with it, I find it’s not restrictive at all, and it seems silly to me that I ever thought it would be. Sure, there are non-Core items such as bread, candy, and non-fat-free dairy, but you can still choose to eat these things if you want. You just have to limit your quantities of such items to 35 points’ worth each week. Which is totally reasonable. So far I have used my weekly 35 on toast, margarine, and three fig newtons. Mostly everything else I have eaten has been Core, and I finally feel like I am eating healthy, whole foods mostly.

On Flex you don’t have to make that distinction. I found myself eating smaller meals and having small snacks so that I would have a lot of points left for the evening time, at which point I would have a large dinner and as many snacks as I could round up. I would rationalize having cookies or a muffin during the day because “I had the points for it.” And sure, I can do the same on Core and just take the points from my weekly stash, but it can’t happen as often. Also, since one of the main principles of Core is to focus on your satiety levels and determining how best to meet your body’s needs, neither a cookie nor a store-bought muffin (read: closer to cupcake than anything) would fit my day, if I am being mindful.

According to my leader, we are going to see WW moving more and more in the direction of Core and its general principles in the future. WW has evolved greatly since its beginnings in the 1960s, and I think it is wonderful that it continues to change with new health findings and new member experiences and feedback. It is a company and of course shareholder interests come first, but WW really is dedicated to the success of its members.

The binge monster cometh… and goeth.

Hoo, boy is all I can say about the past couple of days. Yesterday I ended up eating so much I literally felt ill. I jumped head-first back into some really nasty binging ways, including the ol’ “hiding my consumption of food because I know it’s terrible and I don’t want the husband to see.” I’m looking at you, box of chocolates consumed in the car. I’m also looking at you, entire baguette which was stealthily replaced before anyone noticed it was gone.

…yeah.

So of course I woke up this morning with an awful headache, a direct result of all the sugar and white carbs I had managed to shove down my gullet yesterday (and probably also the culmination of what has been a 3-day gorge-fest). My period did show up this morning, which definitely explains part of my propensity towards bitchiness and my desire to consume everything in sight, but another large part of it is inexcusable. I should know better than this, damnit!

So anyway, this morning I popped some Advil, sucked up the headache and general feeling of malaise, and got on the elliptical. I worked harder than I have to date, really pushed myself and kept my exertion level high. I came back home and had a bowl of oatmeal made with water and soymilk, with some cinnamon and a banana in it. And so my day begun.

It’s funny, all of you (wonderful people) who, a couple of days ago, were telling me that I’d regret it if I let myself jump off the wagon and eat and eat and eat were 100% correct. I didn’t need to do that to my body, and I am certainly paying for it now. I am thankful, I suppose, that my body has such a low tolerance for crap now than it used to, so it takes me very little time to realize I need to revert back to eating sensibly, lest I want to live under the cloud of irritability, lethargy, and headacheyness.

Today I commit to being back to it. I am not going to let myself find any excuses today.