Still gaining! Rrrrgh.

I have nothing to say other than that I am STILL on my way up. I thought I had reversed that trend earlier this week, but lo and behold, I check today and I have in fact been moving in the wrong dinrection again. From Aug-Oct I was frustrated because I was maintaining, not losing and not gaining – now what I wouldn’t give to just be maintaining my old 184 lbs again, not staring the 190’s in the face once again! This is ALWAYS where I fail. Every single time I’ve tried to lose weight successfully I have quit around 185 and gained everything back. I don’t want to gain everything back! I like how my clothes fit, I got rid of my really big stuff, I have a couple things that are just a bit too small that I want to get into!!

Of course, I know why I’m gaining – I eat well for four days and pig out for three. I haven’t exercised since the day after Thanksgiving due to my foot/knee debacle. I haven’t been cooking at home as much as I have been eating out and not making mindful choices. So why is it so hard for me to get back on track, if I know why this is happening to me?

I remember one WW meeting from earlier in the year in which we explored the concept of limiting thoughts. When you say that you “always” or “never” do something, what room do you give yourself to change? I say I “always” quit right about now. That I can “never” have enough willpower to avoid crap food. Where does that leave me? I’ve just told myself, basically, that I can’t succeed because I never have, so I never will. I need to start applying what I learn at meetings – my negative, limiting thoughts aren’t getting me anywhere. So…

Instead of: “I have never successfully continued to lose weight past 185.”

I will try: “In the past I may not have succeeded, but this time I know I can, and I will. No matter how long it takes, I will succeed.”

Sounds cheesy, and not as succinct as my first thought, but I really ought to work on rooting out my negative self-talk if I’m going to make any progress. I will succeed. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. I’ve got to do something, because this upward trend is getting scary….

Stuck

Two weeks before my birthday (which was Aug 30), I sat at about 188-189. I remember thinking, “boy, if I work really hard, I can lose the next 3lbs and hit the 30lb lost mark on my birthday!” I was excited by the idea. Alas, it was not to be – TOM took away that ability that week, then I got slack in counting points, and ended up wandering off the path for a while. I didn’t end up officially making 30lbs lost until October, after my first week on Core (as documented below). The week in which I made 30lbs was the only week I was able to claim that. I’m now officially 0.8 above the 30lbs mark (which is actually nearly 3lbs from my lowest documented weight), and unofficially another 2lbs above that – I have gained since I last went to a meeting to be ‘officially’ weighed.

I am going in the wrong direction!

This whole time, almost a full year since I’ve been actively engaged in weight loss, I have been losing little bits of weight here and there and maintaining in between. I have generally been okay with the slow rate of loss because really, why should I hurry? I’ve been carrying around the weight for a long time, I can’t expect it to change quickly. But this past month has been the first time I have actually felt my grip on the process slipping, and my weight has been going up. This is not okay! But the million dollar question is, how do you get back to it, how do you re-commit, how do you make sure you don’t end up back where you started?

I’m starting by actively planning again. Not just halfassed-ly thinking about something on-plan for dinner (and not actually getting around to making it). Not just assuming I am eating the right amount of food without actually tracking/counting/measuring.

I’m starting by making sure I get in at least 1L of water – moving up towards 2 as I get comfortable with it again.

I’m starting by tracking EVERY LITTLE THING. The milk in my coffee that usually doesn’t get counted? You better believe I am writing it down. A sugar-free popcicle in the evening? Sure it’s only 20 calories and barely makes a difference at the end of the day, but I am writing it down! It’s these little omissions that turn into larger omissions and suddenly I am not owning up to ANYTHING I eat… it’s a dangerous path to go down!

And I’m starting by going to my meeting on Saturday no matter what I expect to see on the scale. I’ve written a couple posts about this – I end up skipping meetings on weeks I feel I’ve gained, which doesn’t help me get back on track. I need to own up to whatever’s going on with my body. Nobody there is going to judge me. I don’t have to tell people the results of my WI. I just need to go in there and accept it and move forward.